I want to walk up the side of a mountain

"What do you recommend?"-A customer at my restaurant, when I asked him if he wanted white, wheat, or rye toast.

walking there was the best part.

"When I was Drunk"

To Joe:

It's pride.

I just got back from the Stonewall,

I think you're it.

I don't feel ashamed to say that.

Please give me another chance.

I promise I won't let you down,

That I can make you happy, 

And help you grow

For the rest of our lives.

I would love to try again with you.

Your friend,

Julian.

--

Now that I think about it, I'm a little unhappy that more of my family didn't call to congratulate me when everything happened last week with DOMA and Prop 8. I'm using "family" in the broad sense to include everyone I know. 

The experience of listening to "22" by Taylor Swift on bike and the experience of listening to "22" by Taylor Swift on foot are two very different experiences.  

sleep exhausts me

"Are you concerned or worried about things? Don't let it get you down! You can fight it, you can fight it! You have grandma Melva's genes in you!" -My grandma

 seriously walking through traffic

--

--

 --

--

"i keep having nightmares that we are at your mom's house in connecticuit"

there is a certain morning threshold

after which everything bitter 

begins to sweeten

or everything sweet 

begins to bitter.

is this sweat rolling down my cheek,

or is it a tear?

what really is the difference

between those two liquids?

--

i have a zit on my butt and nothing in the entire world could matter less. 

sharing a beer

"I have a not-so-secret intense fear of Russia." -My little sister (and all of the United States between 1947 and 1991).

 yellow light before a thunderstorm. 

What do you think, should I use this machine?

"I Heard You're in Los Angeles"

You're thinking about you--

I'm thinking about me.

I'm thinking about you

And you're not thinking about me.

I will be sixty years old
And pass you on the street
And still have a hole in my heart for you.  

--

I did it! I finially figured out a way to eat a bag of potato chips while riding my bike!

"What day of the week is it?" -A man who walked into my restaurant for dinner (who evidentally went the whole day without knowing what day of the week it was).

Margherita, Margarita.

"a thought i had for just a second while i was cleaning off a table at work"

who am i going to rely on

when my parents die?

--

i got so tired in the middle of the day, but then i woke back up again.  how does that happen?

I'm Hot

"To Charlie Scribner and to Max Perkins" -The dedication page of The Old Man and the Sea (can you imagine having a book like that dedicated to you?)

Congratulations! Your bike was not stolen even though you forgot to lock it!

"anyone can be a fisherman in may"

the pain,

the saga,

and the seed.

--

"The Seasons Keep Changing Without You"

Oh,

There's a road 

That runs through my stomach.

I don't know

Where it goes,

But I know

Where it's been.

And my parents think I'm depressed.

And maybe I am.

But my therapist is out of town this week.

(Which I didn't know they were allowed to do).

--

The humidity in New York City is not doing great things for the in-between length of my hair right now.

What is caffiene?

"That is what America was built upon--everyone coming together to create beautiful things." - A panelist at a lecture I went to, who has evidently forgotten about slavery, Japanese internment camps, the Trail of Tears, Operation Iraqi Freedom, and the McDonalds empire.

 Someone lives here!

Did anyone lose this pendant? 

"I Work an Extra Hour Everyday, So I Get Every Other Monday Off"

Woke up, rode my bike across Brooklyn to interview a friend as research for a performance I'm working on. 

Then, went to the first day of a week-long performance workshop taught by one of my heroes. 

Got held up talking to the instructur and arrived a half hour late to my internship--where I acutally accomplished what I was supposed to accomplish.

Went to the Strand--bought "The Old Man and the Sea".

Went to Think Coffee--ran into a not-so-close friend that I love and met about a year ago.

Tried to talk to my mom on the phone, but the air conditioning guy showed up and she had to go. ("It's going to cost a fortune to fix this thing!").

Ran into a friend on the street who was as happy to see me as I was to see her.

Rode my bike to Times Square to go to a workshop about fundraising: trying the whole time just to beat the rain.

Started to get a headache at the same time I was locking my bike outside the Hard Rock Cafe. (Locked eyes with the employee who is charged with opening the front door of that building for tourists--perhaps the only persin in New York City with a worse job than me).

Realized that I don't drink enough water.

Bought a diet coke.

Learned about fundraising--it was unsurprisingly boring.  

I ate a burrito.

I printed something at FedEx Kinkos (which at one point were separate entitites).

I did some other stuff, too.

Have been thinking about you

Throughout.

Without much movement

One way or the other.

Because even on such a nice day

(Where I beat the rain)

I still can't go home

Wihout you.

--

I LOVE the smell of those nuts they sell on carts in midtown, but I don't want to eat them.

Leap and the net will appear.

"I've watched Finding Nemo three times in the past two weeks.  Is that weird? We should watch Pixar movies high." -My friend, out of probably mostly nowhere.

No one to watch my burrito while I'm in the bathroom.  Hope no one wants to poision me!

"All Dressed as the Cartoon Version of Myself"

Feelings of infinite expanse:

Walking through our oldest 

Neighborhood,

Away.

And that place is Astor Place.

And it feels odd

Being in such a public space.

I feel I don't know how

People

See me.

And of all places, Astor Place.

And of all places, Starbucks.

And of all places, the first seat

In the window

By the door

(Facing the cube).

I was here first.

Missing you,

Missing being in love with you.

I could just keep being creepy about this,

Forever,

For you.

It's like the whole

"Juno"

Thing.

And most of me feels,

Like I'm about to be mugged

(In a fishbowl).

In my village

That I measure as 

Pre-and post-you.

--

Most positive moment of my last four months: calling one of my best friends from home to have a two minute conversation about how I am feeling some movement in my work chakra and she is feeling some movement in her sex chakra.  Was it worth it?

You hurt my feelings!

"They would think you're a nurse." -My friend, when I told him that I wanted to start wearing scrubs so people would think I'm a doctor.

This is what we use trees for now.

"Riding Shirtless in White Denim Cutoffs"



Passing all this traffic, I can't stop visualizing the last scene of Cruel Intentions. I'm Reese Witherspoon. I'm thinking a lot about dying on this commute to work. What would my parents think, if they had to identify my body and found me to have been wearing skin tight white Daisy Dukes for my last breaths on this planet?

"He's no son of mine!"

Such an enormous and unnecessary stress to bring into your life--to wear white denim cutoffs. Not to mention the state of constant fear you must live in of any food, seat, touch that isn't snow white. Such a mark of affluence--to be so certain that you won't be doing anything all day that could get you dirty. They are hardly worth the effort.

--


Someone should do a scientific study on why the song Africa  by Toto is so good.

V. Natural

"None." -My coworker, when I asked him how many nights a week he got drunk (after he mentioned that he thought he was becoming an alcoholic).

I was supposed to have a productive day.

And I did have a productive day!

"The Goldhagen Method for Temporary Mental Health"

Masturbate:

Frequently

And often.

--

"can't you just be my boyfriend again?"

All day

I thought 

I didn't care.

But I was wrong.

--

"Why I Don't Have Any Tattoos"

Today I woke up

And I felt

Like I was a creature

That had finally hatched

From its egg.

But I'm still encased

In an embryonic sack,

So I'm no longer staring

Into a hard opaque surface

But there is still a clear film

Separating me from the world

And obscuring my vision

(Though less than before).

So I have to stop eating before bed. 

--

I need a massage.

Looking for the perfect space

"What the fuck was that, dude?" -A man in a parked red van--after I rode into the back of it because I wasn't paying attention and my breaks don't work.

 too late.

 backing away from the moon.

 --

 --

 --

 --

--

"You and Everyone Else"

My job
Makes me hate people
That I have no reason to hate.

I need a new job.

--


"Giving Up"

A constant dull pain.

Giving away
Stones of you
To people I don't know.

Until you're not real anymore.
Until all I have
Is the space
Where you once laid your head.

--


"Probably True"

If aliens visited this planet
(If they haven't already
Visited this planet)
They might say
"Who is this Christ person?
I want to meet it."

--


When I was 18 I broke my left hand when I fell running up the stairs. And today it started hurting again?


And if ONE more person references "the game" as if there is something wrong with somebody if they don't know what game they are referring to, I am not going to serve them their eggs!

Saturated.

"You're life is full of milestones--a growing family, new home, new car, and more." -Sallie Mae (my student loan servicer) in a successful attempt to make me feel inadequate.

 lonely shoe from Holland

 two Canadian middle school teachers just got drunk here on break from a field trip

 who knew these were made in India?

 who feels kind of like this deflated soccer ball?

 the key to Florida orange juice

 rare glimpse at the elusive Fire Escape Dog

self portrait: "those deep pimples that you can't pop"

"Do Humans Have Wishbones?"

I forgot

What it would be like

To spend an afternoon with you.

I will tie myself up by my feet

So the tears

Can roll out of my eyes again.

Today

Someone asked to hear

The story of us.

'Watching lovers

Kiss goodbye

And walk away

And one looks back.'

Today

Someone talked me into joining

An expensive gym.

I will tie myself up by my feet

So the tears

Can roll out of my eyes again.

I forgot 

What it is like

To have sex to music with you.

And also your smell.

--

"Cheer up Charlie, Just be Glad You're You"

I didn't shower this morning

Because I didn't feel like getting wet.

My decision-making vocabulary

Should not include

Skipping work 

To get high

And eat pizza.

Who do people think I am

That they are reminded of me 

When they watch documenatries

About the mistreatment 

Of Orcas?

I haven't even seen that girl

In three years.

--

"Balancing a Diamond on a Blade of Grass"

Do you ever wish

That you would stop being saturated

By the expressions of others

As you walk down the street?

Wear smocks or something, 

Look at the ground--

I don't want to hear

What you want to say.

A bike swept past

And the whole East Village

Smelled like you!

Some walk home!

--

Last night, I had a really profound thought about the difference between allowing things to dictate your decision-making process, and allowing things to guide your decision making-process. But I forgot most of it.

Heather Graham in the second Austin Powers movie put me back at least a year in figuring out that I'm  gay.  

Who has time for voicemail?

"You get used to it.  It's all part of the flow of things." -A man in an elevator, to his daughter, about interviewing for jobs (right before he accidentally hit her with his iPad).

heading somewhere. 

That's where all those chickens went!

"The City Makes Even the Experimenters Sentimental"



This morning
I awoke
To the songs
of jack hammers
Chirping.


--

"I Miss Knowing You"


Thinking about whales
Thinking about home
Thinking about string.


--

"Saw a Police Car Run a Red Light"


I have
Whatever is the opposite
Of
'The Giggles.'

--



Today I learned that songs of humpback whales RHYME! Humpback whales can RHYME!


I wonder if I'll ever be famous?



What are your twenties about these days anyway?  It's not about getting drafted, but maybe it's still about dodging the draft.

Trying not to ignore the signs

"Please call me re: banking"-My mom, via text.

 Did you know that they clean these things?

How great is this?

There is a child practicing the violin behind this door.

"Chapter List for a Work-in-Progress Memoir about my Last Week"

Chapter 1: The flowers are dead, but at least they are frozen in one place.

Chapter 2: Probably they don't? I don't know, I don't know much about the world.

Chapter 3: My childhood best friend has so many occasions to dress up like Frida Kahlo.  Am I as weird as him?

Chapter 4:  You're building is so nice it makes me feel like a prostitute.

Chapter 5: I'm not a smoker, and I'm certainly not holding a cigarette.

Chapter 6: I want to shoot my love all over your face.

Chapter 7: You don't know how it feels to be alive until you die.

Chapter 8: Epilogue: "Life after birth", or, "Don't make me forget you" or "I dont want to be happy without you".

--

Without exception, whether I want it or not, I buy myself a slice of pizza after therapy. Because if you have no one to answer to, it is important to answer to yourself.  

Tonight Cannot Come Soon Enough

"You can't wear  Audrey Hepburn, you have to be Audrey Hepburn." -My friend, about a woman wearing a dress with a picture of Audrey Hepburn on it.

 Upstream

 Downstream

 Sleepin or reading?

 Reading.

 Before

 (almost) After

View from the bathroom on the 11th floor of a building. 

--

--

 --

 --

--

"Face the World"

Riding up the Williamsburg Bridge:

Running into an old friend

That you hoped had moved.

--

"a love poem about love to my former lover"

Is this going to take 

Five 

Or twenty nine minutes?

I want to meet

The people who have been taking care of  you

And thank them.

You had 

The ability to hurt me

After one nigt.

I want to introduce you

To the people

Who have been taking care of me.

Maybe you took more from me
Than you want to admit?

I want to take you to that ramen noodle place
That my best friend took me to
When you were in therapy
Deciding to break up with me
And I was thinking
About how compatible we are.

To try to make things new again.

You're still searching

For me

In every woman.

You pick up a bottle 

I'll pick up a bottle,

We'll see what we end up with.

The moments not passed,

I'm quite delighted

With the way things turned out.

--

I've been connecting with my little sister way more via technology and I feel closer to her.  A means to an end!

Sleeping Unwitnessed

"What we once thought was true no longer is." -My coworker, about where we keep the extra plastic straws.

One day, I'll live in a home this cute and yellow.

Red wall with blue paint, or blue wall with red paint?

What a severe thing to occur in the palm of your hand.

"Like the Mating Ritual of Blue Whales"


Most mornings
There's a moment
Where I'm sitting on the toilet
And I'm brushing my teeth
Still three quarters asleep.

It is when I exist
As my most truest self.

And no one has ever seen it  before.

--


I woke up last night and found that I had been rubbing my own back in my sleep.  I wonder how often I do this.  It's a little bit sad, but also a little bit sweet, I think.



Who misses String Cheese? Food used to be fun.