Buying a bike was the best thing I have done for my mental health since I came out of the closet.

"what are you looking at!"

Happy Birthday to Me!

"A Square of Thoughts"

--

If when someone asked me how I am doing, I answered honestly I would say this. 

“My life is just really hard right now.  And it is made harder by the fact that I have spent money on just enough education to know that my life isn’t really that hard right now. I’m not good or bad—it’s just hard.

Every day is like moving through a thick liquid with tacks stuck in it

But, as many of you know, Viktor Frankl says that suffering is like a gas—and that no matter whether you have a “small” of “large” amount of suffering, it will dissipate and fill an entire vessel.

And what, right now, am I trying to be if not a vessel.”

…so fuck.

--

--

23 years on this earth! Look at how far we all have come.

My first act is one of creation!

I live so far away from the Upper West Side.

"I'm fairly certain that I'm going to be living for a very long time." -My friend.

Rough.

"The Six Worst Things You Can Feel (in no particular order)"



1) Cold
2) Wet
3) Tired
4) Hungry
5) Thirsty
6) Have to go to the bathroom.

--









Who can feel the waining gibbous??

Sometimes having the Opportunities is the difficult part.

"Two mimosas please." -A women at the restaurant where I work, referring to herself and her pregnant friend.

Gentrification!

"All I Can Do is Sautee Them, Because I Don't Really Have Time For Anything Else."

I shouldn't be doing this because it makes me hurt.

And if it doesn't hurt,

Then that's what hurts.

--

Yesterday started hard, and then got easier.  Who's with me!

No one wants to see the bartender sneezing.

"Great, we'll be there in fifteen minutes." -Two people who came into the restaurant I work at after my co-worker told them over the phone that we close in fifteen minutes.

 Someone's Saturday night did not go as they had planned.

"what Masha thought"

I've lost the creation of my wishes.

My birthday candle.

My shooting star.

My Trevi Fountain.

My speeding car under a yellow light.

I've lost the creation of my wishes.

My heads up penny.

My Wailing Wall.

My held breath past a cemetery.

The bay leaf in my soup.

I've lost the creation of my wishes.

My fallen eyelash.

My afikomen.

My broken wishbone.

My eleven eleven.

My knock on wood.

My whispered dandelion.

My crescent moon.

My rabbits foot.

My first day of the month,

And last of the year. 

My fingers crossed

And salt unspilled.

I've lost the creation of all my wishes.

My ladybug flown away home.

--

Fake it till you make it, ya'll!

Sometimes this happens.

"You are flamboyant.  You are exceptional." -Liz Swados

Yesterday I got midday mani/peddies with my friend Dave.  Somewhere in hell, Ronald Reagan and Adolf Hitler are at a shooting range making fun of me.

Also, this is one reason that it is hard to be gay, even if you don't live in Subsaharan Africa.

"Eating a Burrito Alone"

When I used to eat them

With you.

Could you imagine 

That I still only sleep on one side of my bed?

I don't like sleeping without you.

I don't like waking up without you.

Sleep is dangerous--

I see you, I don't see you.

Memories are dangerous--memories reveal distance.

The man who winked at me on the street 

Can suck my dick.

--

A pre bike-ride-over-the-bridge burrito is a bad idea!

Triumphantly We All Must Sing

"You're going to be awesome! You're going to be a movie star!" -Netto, the man who cut my hair

 Yesterday I helped a girl named Hope lock up the store front of the flower shop that she works at--because she couldn't reach the top of the gate.

"Oh, to be Young and in Love with the Rain"

I am swinging a stick,
Blindfolded,
In a dark room
That someone told me
They put a pinata in.

I am waiting for perspective.
I am waiting to exercise myself
Of all this
Unnecessary nostalgia.
I'm just waiting.
I'm waiting for a sleep without pills.

I am a background fish
In a television show
About whale migration.
I am not the Tuna Fish
Who is always villanized
By the nature documentary industry.
I am the Silver Fish
I am the Rainbow Fish.

Oh, this constant search for metaphor,
This must be the curse
Of the upper middle class.
(That and gluten intolerance).

There is a lot to say about gluten!
I have oceans to say
About gluten.

After all,
We are the first humans
Meant to live longer
Than blue whales,
And to that I say:
Would you mind being the guarantor on my apartment?

When will I be too old
To go swimming?

When will I stop dreaming
Of space shuttles falling out of the sky?

When will Time
Finish her waltz of forgetfulness
And erase you from my mind
And erase you from my mind,
So I might fall asleep?



Like shooting fish in a barrel!

Geminis Need to Escape.

"Ask again later." -A Magic Eight Ball that I questioned at a restaurant in Williamsburg.

There are seven people in my family and I am the only one who hasn't ridden a horse.  I think one time they all rode horses without me.

"The Things They Carried"

Today I spent:

$1.34 to send a letter uptown because

I was too lazy to ride my bike.

$28 taking a friend out to breakfast because

Everyone deserves to be taken out to breakfast.

$10 on a green juice because

It is important to live a little above your means.

(And it is better than buying cocaine)

¢.82 on three African beads because

The price was right.

$4 on Sencha Green Tea because

I am trying to cut back on caffeine. 

$5.50 on a grilled cheese because

Grilled Cheeses are good for mental health.

$4 on a yoga class because

This is the 21st century.

$5 on kombucha because

My digestion is important to me.

$10 on a cocktail because

I am an "adult."

$5 on ice cream because

You can't win them all.

Om shanti om!

Always Keep your Eyes Open for Elephants!

"In God we Trust" -Dollar bills, government buildings, Republicans.

Yesterday I had to go to court.  I do not have the right accessories for court.  You can't get in trouble for that, though. 

"While Waiting in a Line"

Will I ever stop stopping

To pick up heads up pennies?

Probably.

Will I ever stop expecting

That you're waiting in my bed?

Probably.

Will I ever stop to think

That I should temper my idealism?

Probably.

Will I ever stop clicking 

"Forgot Password"

When I sign into Netflix?

Hopefully.

It's important to maintain hope.



YOLO!

Jah Rastafari

"Make sure to eat nutritionally!" -My Grandmother, every time we talk on the phone.  

(self portrait: Bedside of a Young Man with a Broken Heart)

"the process of forced-forgetting" or "is my Livejournal showing?"

I have been connecting strongly with loved ones in my community.

Before shoplifting or arrests or post graduation or pre graduation or upper limits or Facebook snooping or any of those things clouded our connection.

Maybe my inability to let you go colors me as something less than positive in your mind.

I am fully invested in doing whatever it takes to rebuild that trust.

A chance for our relationship to prove its strength and worth.

have a good day!

It is so much easier riding downhill.

"If you promise me that your savings account balance won't drop below $1,000, I will upgrade your account." -The women who 'helped' me at Bank of America.

 The view from the top of the Williamsburg Bridge.  It's like the whole city is in prison.  

"Untitled"

I have three main problems right now:

1) The man I love told me it would be best if we stopped communicating.

2) I keep ripping holes in the crotch of all my jeans.

3) I accidentally gave a fellow biker some questionable advice about the Williamsburg Bridge, and I'm not sure that he survived.

Happy Earth Day!

The times they are a-changing...

"Julian honey, I think that maybe some of these things aren't as big of a deal as you feel they are." -My mother.

This is the restaurant where I work.  It is empty. Most of what I make in tips I spend on kale juice from a shop around the corner.

"Ode to Spring"

Oh god.

I just want to be

Like everyone else.

I just want to drink juice

Like everyone else.

I just want nice abs

Like everyone else.

I just want to go out on Friday

And dance,

And drink,

And fuck,

And brunch on Sunday,

And can I have

My omelet with just whites,

And do you have skim?

And there's too much juice 

In my mimosa,

And no toast with that please,  

I'm allergic to gluten

Like everyone else.

But I'll take the fries

Like everyone else.

And we'll split the check

Like everyone else.

I want a bike

Like everyone else.

I want a boyfriend

Like everyone else.

I want to take off my clothes

In the park

In the sun

In the city

In spring

And forget.

Like everyone else.

One day I'll be blind

Like everyone else.

My partner will die

Like everyone else.

I'll have produced

Fifty-eight tons of garbage

Like everyone else--

Two blue whales worth of garbage

Like everyone else.

I'll die too, I suppose.

Blue Ivy will be an adult by then.

And they'll take off their clothes

In the park

In the sun

In the city

In spring

And forget.

Why poetry about how difficult it is to be in your twenties?

"Relax! Your twenties are the best time of your life!" -The Dalai Lama

(self portrait: With Bottle of Kombucha--Half Full?)

I started this plog because I googled "poetry about how difficult it is to be in your twenties" and I didn't find anything that interesting.

What a strange decade of life.  Or maybe, relatively speaking, it's not that strange.  I have only lived two previous to this one.  But I know that, suddenly, I have never felt more pre-pubescent.  Nothing like having a thousand constant daily reminders that you don't, in fact, have it all figured out to make you feel like you don't have it all figured out.

But alas, most of the world's greatest survived their twenties.  And so, there must be some kind of poetry within it all.  Here is to finding that poetry!  Or at the very least, striving to create some poetry within it. 

po
e
try.


Here we go...